哈佛大学23Fall优秀文书，能打动招生官的原因在这！

前不久，The Crimson公布了2023Fall录取者的优秀文书，并附上了每篇文章的点评。从这些例子中，我们能看到哈佛大学的文书偏好，以及生动鲜活的写作技巧。我们从中挑选了2篇，一起来看一下吧～

Michelle G.'s Essay

Red, orange, purple, gold...I was caught in a riot of shifting colors. I pranced up and down the hill, my palms extended to the moving collage of butterflies that surrounded me. “Would you like to learn how to catch one?” Grandfather asked, holding out a glass jar. “Yes!” I cheered, his huge calloused fingers closing my chubby five-year-old hands around it carefully.

Grandfather put his finger to his lips, and I obliged as I watched him deftly maneuver his net. He caught one marvelous butterfly perched on a flower, and I clutched the open jar in anticipation as he slid the butterfly inside. It quivered and fell to the bottom of the jar, and I gasped. It struggled until its wings, ablaze in a glory of orange and red, quivered to a stop. I watched, wide-eyed, as it stopped moving. “Grandpa! What’s happening?”

My grandfather had always had a collection of butterflies, but that was the first time I saw him catch one. After witnessing the first butterfly die, I begged him to keep them alive; I even secretly let some of them go. Therefore, to compromise, he began carrying a special jar for the days I accompanied him on his outings, a jar to keep the living butterflies. But the creatures we caught always weakened and died after a few days in captivity, no matter how tenderly I fed and cared for them. Grandfather took me aside and explained that the lifespan of an adult butterfly was very short. They were not meant to live forever: their purpose was to flame brilliantly and then fade away. Thus, his art serves as a memory of their beauty, an acknowledgement of nature’s ephemeral splendor.

But nothing could stay the same. I moved to America and as the weekly excursions to the mountainside ended, so did our lessons in nature and science. Although six thousand miles away, I would never forget how my grandpa’s wrinkles creased when he smiled or how he always smelled like mountain flowers.

As I grew older and slowly understood how Grandfather lived his life, I began to follow in his footsteps. He protected nature’s beauty from decay with his art, and in the same way, I tried to protect my relationships, my artwork, and my memories. I surrounded myself with the journals we wrote together, but this time I recorded my own accomplishments, hoping to one day show him what I had done. I recorded everything, from the first time I spent a week away from home to the time I received a gold medal at the top of the podium at the California Tae Kwon Do Competition. I filled my new home in America with the photographs from my childhood and began to create art of my own. Instead of catching butterflies like my grandpa, I began experimenting with butterfly wing art as my way of preserving nature’s beauty. Soon my home in America became a replica of my home in China, filled from wall to wall with pictures and memories.

Nine long years passed before I was reunited with him. The robust man who once chased me up the hillside had developed arthritis, and his thick black hair had turned white. The grandfather I saw now was not the one I knew; we had no hobby and no history in common, and he became another adult, distant and unapproachable. With this, I forgot all about the journals and photos that I had kept and wanted to share with him.

After weeks of avoidance, I gathered my courage and sat with him once again. This time, I carried a large, leather-bound book with me. “Grandfather,” I began, and held out the first of my many journals. These were my early days in America, chronicled through pictures, art, and neatly-printed English. On the last page was a photograph of me and my grandfather, a net in his hand and a jar in mine. As I saw our faces, shining with proud smiles, I began to remember our days on the mountainside, catching butterflies and halting nature’s eventual decay.

My grandfather has weakened over the years, but he is still the wise man who raised me and taught me the value of capturing the beauty of life. Although he has grown old, I have grown up. His legs are weak, but his hands are still as gentle as ever. Therefore, this time, it will be different. This time, I will no longer recollect memories, but create new ones.

文章点评

本文用诗一般的语言，回忆了早年与祖父一起生活的画面，让人感受到生命如歌，短暂却美好。同时，文章也展现了作者敏锐的观察力与思考。

写“一个对你有影响”的人这类文章时，我们常遇到的困难就是如何在「展示那个人」以及「保证文章的重点落在你和你的成长」之间找到一个平衡。

在这篇文书中，作者抓住了祖父的几个特点：世故、理解蝴蝶转瞬即逝的本性，同时也富有同情心，理解并尊重米歇尔对蝴蝶的呵护。

与此同时，文章始终聚焦于展示米歇尔多年来的成熟过程。她从她的祖父那里继承了对大自然的热爱，以及对生活的洞察所需的自我意识和内省能力。我们也从她将蝴蝶翅膀艺术描述为“保留大自然之美的一种方式”中看到了她的艺术天赋。

总的来说，尽管这篇文章的重点是米歇尔的祖父以及他对她的影响，我们仍然可以对米歇尔有很多了解。我们知道她很有成就(跆拳道金牌) 、有艺术细胞、有爱心。她的深思熟虑和内省的天性也在这篇文章中得到了体现，这无疑是招生官们所青睐的品质。

VOL.2

‘When Life Doesn’t Gives You Lemons’

With the blazing morning sun beaming through the window, I had an inclination to make a stand to sell Lebanese laymounada - a light lemonade flavored with a splash of rosewater. Throughout my childhood, anytime the temperature spiked over seventy degrees, there would be laymounada waiting for me at my Teta’s (grandmother in Lebanese Arabic) house.

At that moment, I scoured the cabinets and secured the glass pitcher only to realize we did not have lemons. To my disappointment, I realized my days of being an entrepreneur and generating revenue from my laymounada stand were over before they could even begin. I sat at the kitchen table, wallowing in disappointment. I wanted everyone to be able to taste my Teta’s laymounada. Suddenly, I had an idea that would either prove to be inventive or a total failure. I would sell lemonade without the lemons. Revolutionary, right?

I ripped off a rectangular sheet of paper towel and jotted down my business plan. I listed the key elements of the business plan: a drawing of a cup, a rose, and the price- “fifty scents”- to correlate with the rose-themed business. I sat outside of my childhood home located in a cul-de-sac of five houses and sold my neighbors a rose drink- a combination of filtered water, packets of sugar, and a dash of rosewater. Granted, I only made about $10 from a combination of my parents and generous neighbors who did not drink the “lemonade”, but the experience allowed me to realize regardless of the obstacle, if you are passionate, you can persevere. Teta’s laymounada was my introduction to entrepreneurship.

The entrepreneurial skills gained from my laymounada stand allowed me to establish A&G Jewelry, co-founded with my sister when I was twelve. This business focused on representing our Lebanese heritage. Using supplies we found around our house and from our local craft store, we created a variety of pieces that featured traditional Middle Eastern coins, beads, and clay baked into the shape of Lebanon. My sister and I collaborated to create marketing tools to promote our new business. Before we knew it, A&G Jewelry had earned a spot at my church’s annual Lebanese festival. After tirelessly marketing and selling our jewelry for three days straight, we had made over $900 in revenue, which we decided to donate to the church.

Entrepreneurship took a new form in high school when my sister and I founded our second partnership, The Model Brockton City Council. We saw a need to engage our peers in local government by designing a simulation of our city council. We had to collect signatures, present to many administrators, and market our new club. The initial goal to have more people try my lemonade resonated with me as I strived to have more people engage in their civic duties. Today, over twenty-five of my classmates frequently attend my meetings.

With my first business venture selling laymounada, I made $10; with A&G Jewelry, $900; with the Model Brockton City Council, the revenue amounted to $0. Although there was not a financial gain, I attained experience as a negotiator, problem solver, creative thinker, and most importantly, I became persistent.

Twelve years have passed since that summer day with my “laymounada,” and I have yet to maintain a long-lasting business. My six-year-old self would have seen this lack of continuity as a colossal failure, but instead, it instilled an intense curiosity in me. Little did I know the experience would remain so vivid after all these years. It has continued to push me, compelling me to challenge myself both academically and entrepreneurially. As I grow older, my intrinsic drive to have a lemonade stand, regardless of whatever obstacles come my way, persists as a deep-seated love of business.

When life doesn’t give you lemons, still make lemonade (or laymounada, as my Teta would say).

文章点评

失败的文书各有各的不好，但许多成功拿到Offer的文书都有这样一个共同结构：「钩子+锚+故事+成长」。

钩子：“钩子“的作用是吸引读者。招生官员每天要读上百篇文书，所以尽量马上抓住他们的注意力。比如在开头写一些有趣的或与众不同的东西是一个不错的方法。

这篇文章中用到的“钩子”就是laymounada，黎巴嫩的laymounada 有什么特别之处?它和普通的柠檬水有什么不同?Teta是谁?作者用一连串的故事迅速引起了读者的好奇心。

锚：“锚”是一个想法或主题，用来连接、升华整篇文章。一个好的“锚”应该是发人深省的、让人回味无穷的。

本文的“锚”就是“生活没有给我柠檬”——作者在家里找不到一个柠檬，所以不得不发挥创造力推销不含柠檬的laymunada。这段经历让她学会了坚持不懈，并开始了一系列的尝试。文章在结尾又呼应了这个“锚”，将全文串联：“When life doesn’t give you lemons, still make lemonade (or laymounada, as my Teta would say).”

故事：讲故事的一大黄金法则是“show, don’t tell”，不要试图直白地告诉招生官你是一个多么伟大的人。相反，试着用故事让他们感受到你的个性、性格和取得的成就。

具体来看这篇文章，作者分享了许多有趣的细节，比如将饮料定价为“fifty scents”来契合玫瑰主题;开玩笑说她赚的10美元大部分来自父母和邻居，但他们甚至懒得喝柠檬水。这些细节将作者勾勒成来一个有趣的、有创造力的、有进取心的人，同时也展现了她的谦逊。

成长：

例如，本文作者认识到她的商业尝试缺乏连续性并不是一个“巨大的失败”，相反，这培养了她的好奇心、坚持不懈的精神和对商业的热爱。在文章的最后，很明显能感到作者是一个对商业充满热情的人，能够从每一次经历中吸取教训，并将它们应用到下一次的努力中。

作者抓住了所有这四个关键要素——钩子、锚、故事和成长——这就是这篇文章成功的原因。

以上便是哈佛大学23Fall优秀文书的一些具体介绍，供大家参考，希望对大家申请有所帮助。